remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
