I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
