My entire life is one complicated drinking game
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
