how can u be prego again
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Randomize
