Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
