im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
