thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
