You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
