I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
