No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
