I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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