I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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