Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
