I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
