you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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