Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
