Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
