i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
