I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
foreskin is a definite game changer
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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