my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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