i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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