im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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