I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
