Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
