Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
