Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
