I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You are the jesus of drinking
Randomize
