Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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