Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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