How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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