the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
