Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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