You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
