life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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