I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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