She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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