If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
