Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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