I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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