i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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