I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
