i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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