WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Randomize
