My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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