I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
