census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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