There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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