I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
