Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
