You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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